User:Ava
Early Life
Avaleen Sweeney was born in a cornfield in Ohio on June 11, 2001. Cornfield births are, of course, a typical midwestern practice, but this unfortunately made her both a Gemini, the worst astrological sign, and a child of the corn, the worst horror movie. Despite this adversity from birth, she rose above to become the inventor of twice-baked macaroni and cheese, the best pasta, at only six years old. Tragically, she was later diagnosed with celiac disease and could therefore no longer enjoy her greatest creation.
From a young age, people continuously asked Avaleen how to pronounce her name. “Exactly how it’s spelled,” she told them. They still struggled. After Avaleen’s name was mispronounced at her preschool graduation, the most important event of her life up to that point, she dropped the “leen” and decided to be “Ava.” When Ava’s mother became pregnant again, she and Ava’s father decided to consult their daughter on the naming of the new baby. Ava didn’t want her younger sibling to suffer from pronunciation clarification every time someone attempted to say its name, so she, with far more wisdom than the typical three-and-a-half-year-old, offered a suggestion everyone can pronounce – Baby Bumblebee. When asked what they’d call Baby Bumblebee when he was no longer a baby, little Ava pondered the issue for several minutes and then solved the problem with “BIG Baby Bumblebee.” Ava’s parents were too close-minded to appreciate their toddler’s genius, so they ignored her proposal and named their son “Ronan.” In retaliation for such a blatant snub, Avaleen opened every banana in the house and then refused to acknowledge her brother as anything other than “Baby Bumblebee” for twelve years.
College
Ava currently attends the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa. When she informed her father she would be attending Alabama, he stormed out of the house, screamed, “I hate Nick Saban” into the evening air of the Indianapolis suburbs, and then came back inside and congratulated her on her decision. Her father, Sean “Saban-Hater” Sweeney, has a long-standing personal feud with the Alabama football coach after Saban stepped on Sweeney’s foot at a farmer’s market and neglected to apologize. Four years later, Saban-Hater Sweeney still refuses to say “roll tide.”
When asked what she would be studying, Ava simply responded with “yes.” She has a wide variety of interests ranging from musical theatre to neuroscience to the relationship between societal expectations for women and fiber arts, so she is attempting six majors and thirteen minors. It is unclear why the university has allowed her to declare so many areas of study. Her anticipated graduation date is May 2055.
In the fall of her first senior year of college, Ava starred in a one-woman reboot of the 90s sitcom Seinfeld in which she played every single character with the help of creative camera angles and her vast experience with accent work. She received rave reviews for her work, including a 98% critic score on Rotten Tomatoes. The New York Times called her recreation of an American classic “a true marvel which bridged the gap between generations” and dubbed Ava herself “a national treasure.” She won every single Emmy that year.
Controversies
Many television executives were outraged when a 21-year-old college student won every single Emmy for a sitcom reboot filmed on an iPhone 8 and edited in iMovie. They alleged that Ava blackmailed or threatened the award committee to secure her wins. The committee has denied this vehemently, almost frantically, and Ava has declined to comment.
The morning of September 8, 2022, Queen Elizabeth II of England passed away. Officials claim there was no foul play involved, but some believe she was killed by an assassin with a background in accent work. Ava claims she was asleep at home during this time, but this is unable to be corroborated. Her whereabouts are unconfirmed for several hours during the night and early morning. Experts claim it would be impossible to travel from Alabama to England and back within five hours, but some are unconvinced.
Two Truths and a Lie
- Ava's last name is Sweeney
- Ava has a younger brother named Ronan
- Ava did not kill Queen Elizabeth II
